Let’s Talk About Trauma, Stress, and Co-Regulation

Let’s be honest: almost everyone carries trauma. Research suggests that most people have gone through something that could be considered traumatic. So trauma-informed care becomes less about the “event” — whether it’s big-T, small-t, or daily stress. When we talk about trauma-informed care, we’re not just referring to major life events. We’re talking about how lived experiences shape the way our body and nervous system react in certain situations.

Talking to Our Nervous System

Lately, I’ve become more aware of which state my autonomic nervous system is in — thanks to my work, my training, and the conversations I have every day with clients.

For example, last Saturday when I was cooking my favorite Chinese food, I know I’m in my ventral vagal state—open, engaged, curious, regulated.

But if I’m rushing a meal and throwing together a two-minute salad with a sense of urgency, that’s my cue: I’m stressed. My body is prioritising survival, not creativity.

This kind of awareness matters. It’s the first step in coping with stress and healing from trauma. Once we know where our nervous system is sitting, we can choose what we need next.

Another example: “The Garage Pause”

If I get a message from my partner saying my son is in a bad mood, my body reacts instantly. I know what might be waiting for me: yelling, screaming, bad language, or physical dysregulations.

So before I walk into the house, I stop in the garage for a moment: I breathe. I regulate myself first. I widen my window of tolerance — or as someone beautifully put it, my window of capacity (such a empathetic and compassionate term).

How we parent and respond to our children depends heavily on our ability to stay regulated. Not perfectly regulated — just regulated enough.

Children Borrow Our Brains

Children have tiny, still-developing brains. A lot of the time, they simply cannot regulate on their own, especially when they’re overwhelmed. They get dysregulated quickly and intensely.

We can teach them all the skills — breathing, sensory tools, naming emotions — but once they’ve “flipped their lid”, those skills vanish. In those moments, they need an external regulated brain: from their parents, carers, teachers.

I’ve met many anxious, overwhelmed parents asking me to “fix” their anxious, overwhelmed child. This is not about blame; I truly believe everyone is doing their best. But I still need to say the hard truth:

We need to start with the adults. Children borrow our nervous system.If we’re dysregulated, they feel it instantly — and it amplifies their dysregulation.It’s like throwing oil on the fire.

Therapy Isn’t Enough Without the Home

A therapist might see a child for 45 minutes every week or two. Parents shape the other 10,000 minutes.

If a therapist teaches emotional regulation skills, but at home the child is shut down, dismissed, or rushed through their feelings, the therapy gets partially undone.

If you can’t label your own emotions, it’s incredibly difficult to help your child label theirs. And when every meltdown is met with “stop it, I can’t handle this,” the child naturally learns:

“My feelings are not welcome.”

If adults can’t model emotional regulation, children lose the chance to learn resilience with you.

And if your child is depressed, anxious, or overwhelmed — remember, they want it to stop too. Sometimes they make you feel stuck because they feel stuck. If they are angry, they want to feel angry as well.

Trust me, I’ve met many parents who slowly become depressed alongside their children. They place all their hope on the idea that once the child gets better, they’ll be able to feel better too. In that process, they forget how to live their own lives — how to feel joy, how to move forward, how to exist outside the crisis. Eventually, both parent and child become stuck in the same place. As the child’s recovery feels further away, the parent’s sense of hope fades too.

It sounds ironic, but this is how many young people communicate distress:

They try to make you feel what they feel, in their own unique way.

So instead of reacting, pause and ask: What are they really telling me? Are they asking for help in the only way they know — by sharing their fear, frustration, sadness, or hopelessness with me?

What Children Really Need?

Children don’t need us to fix their emotions. They need us to sit with them in the discomfort.

Feeling sad, angry, frustrated, or disappointed is normal. Emotional regulation isn’t about staying happy — it’s about moving through emotional waves without collapsing, exploding, or staying in fight-or-flight for too long.

Support them through the wave. Let the feelings pass. Be the strong, kind, steady co-regulator they can borrow safety from. When adults can do this consistently, something powerful happens: Our own window of capacity expands, and their resilience grows. They learn to ride their big emotions with less fear and more confidence.

And that, ultimately, is the heart of trauma-informed care — not fixing children, but building connected, regulated adults who can guide them through life’s storms.

谈谈创伤、压力与共同调节

老实说，几乎每个人都带着某种形式的创伤。研究显示，大多数人都经历过某些可以被视为创伤的事件。因此，所谓“创伤知情”（trauma-informed care）不再只是关注事件本身——无论是大写 T 的创伤、小写 t 的创伤，还是日常的压力。而是关注这些经历如何塑造我们的身体与神经系统在不同情境下的反应。

和我们的神经系统“对话”

最近，因为我的工作、训练，以及每天和个案的对话，我越来越能察觉自己的自主神经系统处于哪一种状态。例如，上周六当我在煮我最爱的中餐时，我知道我正处在**腹侧迷走神经（ventral vagal）**状态——开放、投入、好奇、稳定。但如果我匆匆忙忙拼一份两分钟沙拉，心里满是急迫感，那就是我的提示：我有压力了。我的身体正在优先处理生存，而不是创造力。这种觉察很重要。这是应对压力与从创伤中复原的第一步。只要知道自己当下的神经系统状态，我们就能更清楚该如何照顾自己。

另一个例子：“车库暂停法”

如果我收到队友的讯息说儿子今天心情不好，我的身体会立刻反应。我大概知道等着我的可能是：大喊大叫、骂人、情绪失控，甚至是肢体失调。 所以，在进门之前，我会先在车库停一下：做些深呼吸，先调节自己， 扩展自己的“容忍窗口”——或者有人温柔地称为**“容量窗口”（window of capacity）**，这是个充满同理心的词。

我们如何育儿、如何回应孩子，很大程度取决于我们能否保持调节状态。不是完美的调节，而是足够好（regulated enough）。

孩子是在“借用”我们的脑

孩子的大脑很小，仍在发展中。许多时候，当他们被压垮、情绪过大时，他们根本无法靠自己调节。他们很容易、也很快就会失调。 我们可以教他们呼吸、感统工具、情绪词汇……但当他们“盖子掀开”（flipped their lid）时，这些技能都会瞬间消失。 那时，他们需要的是一个外在情绪稳定的大脑：父母、照顾者、老师。

我遇过许多焦虑、崩溃的父母来求助：“帮帮我的孩子。”

我不是责怪，我知道每个父母都尽力了。但我仍要说一个残酷却重要的事实：

一切都从成人开始。孩子需要会借用我们的神经系统。如果我们失调，他们会立刻感受到——而且会更失调。那就像往火上浇油。

只有治疗是不够的，家庭才是关键

治疗师可能每周或隔周见孩子 45 分钟。父母则陪伴孩子其他一万分钟。如果治疗师教了情绪调节技巧，但孩子在家却常被关闭、被忽视、被催促，那么治疗的效果会被部分抵消。如果大人无法辨识自己的情绪，那就很难帮助孩子认识他们的情绪。

如果每次孩子崩溃都被回应：

“不要这样，我受不了！”

”快点好起来，一直这样下去怎么行！“

孩子自然会学到：

“我的感受是不被允许的。”

”是我的问题，我是问题的根本。“

如果大人无法示范情绪调节，孩子就失去向你学习韧性的机会。

而当孩子忧郁、焦虑、崩溃时——请记住，他们也很痛苦，他们也想停止。有时他们让你感到“被困住”，是因为他们自己也被困住了。他们愤怒时，也希望你能感受到他们的愤怒。

我见过许多父母也随着孩子一起陷入抑郁。他们把所有希望都放在：“等孩子好了，我就好了。”慢慢地，他们忘记如何生活、如何感受快乐、如何继续往前走。最后，孩子和父母一起停在同一个黑暗的地方。当孩子的恢复遥遥无期，父母的希望也会一起消失。

也许听起来很讽刺，但这正是许多年轻人表达痛苦的方式：他们会用自己的独特方式，来让你感受他们的感受 －痛苦、纠结、无望、无助。。。

所以，与其立刻反应，不如停下来问：

他们真正想告诉我什么？他们是否正在用唯一会的方式寻求帮助——让你感受到他们的恐惧、沮丧、悲伤，或无望？

孩子真正需要的是什么？

孩子不需要我们“修复”他们的情绪。他们需要的是：有人陪他们一起坐在情绪的风暴里。

难过、生气、挫折、失望……都是正常情绪。情绪调节不是保持快乐，而是能穿越情绪的浪潮，而不至于崩溃、爆炸、或卡在里面过久。他们需要你陪他们让情绪过去。成为那个稳定、温柔、值得依靠的基石。当大人能稳定地做到这一点，奇妙的事情会发生：大人的“容量窗口”会变大，孩子的韧性也会随之成长。他们会学会以更少的恐惧、更大的自信去面对强烈情绪。

这，就是创伤知情照护的核心——不是修复孩子，而是成为一个情绪稳定成人，带领孩子一起穿越生命中的风暴。