Acceptance - It's Hard but Necessary

If you know my work, you probably know that my core philosophy starts with a single word: acceptance.

When working with neurodivergent individuals, or children and families navigating significant trauma, understanding how these factors shape a human being is crucial. Without acceptance, we end up stuck in denial. We set counter-productive goals aimed at changing who we—or our children—fundamentally are.

But when we start from a place of acceptance, the mindset shifts. We learn to separate what cannot be controlled from what can be built upon. It’s not a perfectly straightforward process, but it gives us a solid foundation. When we stop constantly fighting reality, we finally start to see progress.

Facing My Own Reality

This past weekend, I had my own "moment of truth." Honestly? It was hard. Accepting reality felt a lot like admitting, "I am not good enough," because it meant resigning myself to a lifestyle change. But I had to reframe it: It isn’t that I’m not good enough anymore. It is simply, "I have changed, and now I have to adapt to the new me."

Here is my story. Recently, I was given a booklet on managing chronic fatigue. It was heavily CBT-based, focusing on the cycle of change and how accepting our limits is inevitable if we want a better quality of life in the future. Professionally, these concepts were so easy to understand. Personally, they were incredibly hard to swallow.

For the past 20 years, I’ve lived a very active lifestyle. I’ve functioned at a highly productive level for over three decades, and I’ve received a lot of praise for my achievements and output. Because of that, it is incredibly hard to slow down and save my "battery" for tomorrow.

But here is my reality: I’ve been battling fatigue for almost this entire year. Some days are better, some are worse, but there are times when it’s a struggle just to make it past 2:00 PM. If I keep pushing myself exactly like I used to, my health is only going to get worse. If I start learning how to pace myself, I actually have a chance to recover.

Bringing It Back to the Kids

This personal wake-up call brought me right back to the work I do every day.

When we accept our children for exactly who they are, it becomes so much easier to connect with them, love them, and support them.

• If we expect a deeply traumatised 7-year-old to perfectly regulate themselves without dysregulations, we are setting everyone up for failure.

• If we expect an autistic child who is constantly overwhelmed by the world to just "suck it up" and act like a different person, we are fighting their reality.

• If we expect a 14-year-old—whose brain is going through massive, dramatic changes—to behave exactly as they did at age 7 or 9, we are denying the fact that they are just trying to find their feet before adulthood.

An Invitation

We could talk about this for days. But for now, I want to leave you with an invitation.

Whether you are struggling with your own well-being—physical or mental—or perhaps you are looking for that perfect therapist to "fix" your child without having to make any changes yourself... take a step back. Ask yourself if fighting reality is truly sustainable, healthy, or even possible.

Sometimes, the bravest and most productive thing we can do is simply accept where we are right now.

And remember, acceptance doesn't have to happen all at once. It often starts quietly—just a gentle awareness in your own mind. From there, we gather the courage to talk about it openly, process the emotions that come with it, and eventually make a plan built on tiny, manageable steps.

I am here with you. I see your struggle, and I understand your challenges. Together, we can make the changes that are possible, and build a life we truly appreciate.

接纳——很难，但却必不可少

如果你了解我的工作，你可能知道我的核心理念始于两个字：接纳。

在与神经多样性人群，或是经历过重大创伤的儿童和家庭一起工作时，理解这些因素如何塑造一个人是至关重要的。没有接纳，我们最终会陷入否认之中。我们会设定一些适得其反的目标，试图去改变我们——或者我们的孩子——的本性。

但是，当我们从接纳出发时，心态就会发生转变。我们学会了区分什么是无法控制的，以及什么是可以在此基础上继续建设的。这并不是一个完全一帆风顺的过程，但它给了我们一个坚实的基础。当我们不再不断地与现实抗争时，我们终于开始看到进步。

直面我自己的现实

上个周末，我迎来了属于我自己的“真相时刻”。说实话？那挺难的。接受现实感觉很像是在承认“我不够好”，因为这意味着我不得不顺从于生活方式的改变。但我必须重新构建这个想法：这并不是说我不再足够好。它仅仅是，“我改变了，现在我必须适应全新的自己。”

这是我的故事：最近，我拿到了一本关于如何管理慢性疲劳的小册子。里面的内容非常基于认知行为疗法（CBT）：侧重于改变的周期，以及如果我们想在未来拥有更好的生活质量，接受自身的局限性是不可避免的。在专业层面上，这些概念对我来说太容易理解了。但在个人情感上，它们却异常难以下咽。

在过去的20年里，我的生活方式一直非常活跃。在三十多年的时间里，我都保持着高效运转，并且因为我的成就和产出获得了许多赞誉。正因为如此，让我慢下来，为明天保存“电量”，真的非常困难。

但这就是我的现实：几乎这一整年，我都在和疲劳作斗争。有时好一些，有时糟一些，但有些时候，光是撑过下午两点就已经是一种挣扎。如果我还像以前那样完全不顾一切地逼迫自己，我的健康状况只会变得更糟。如果我开始学习如何调整自己的节奏，我其实是有机会康复的。

视线回到孩子们身上

这次个人的经验，直接把我拉回到了我每天所做的工作中。

当我们接纳孩子们本来的样子时，与他们建立连结、爱他们、支持他们就会变得容易得多。

• 如果我们期望一个受过深度创伤的7岁孩子能够完美地调节自己的情绪，而不出现任何失调，我们就是在让每个人都走向失败。

• 如果我们期望一个患有自闭症、经常被这个世界压得喘不过气来的孩子只是“忍着点”，表现得像另一个人，我们就是在与他们的现实作斗争。

• 如果我们期望一个大脑正在经历巨大、剧烈变化的14岁少年，能像他们7岁或9岁时那样守规矩，我们就是在否认这样一个事实：他们只是在成年前努力寻找自己的立足点。

一份邀请

关于这个话题，我们可以聊上几天几夜。但现在，我想给你们留下一份邀请。

无论你是在为自己的健康（身体上或精神上的）而挣扎，或者也许你正在寻找那个完美的治疗师来“治好”你的孩子，而不用你自己做出任何改变……请退后一步。问问你自己，与现实抗争是否真的是可持续的、健康的，或者甚至是否可能做到。

有时候，我们能做的最勇敢、最有建设性的事情，就是简单地接纳我们此时此刻所处的状态。

请记住，接纳不需要一蹴而就。它通常开始得很安静——只是你脑海中一丝温柔的觉察。从那里开始，我们积攒勇气去公开谈论它，处理随之而来的情绪，并最终制定一个建立在微小且可控的步骤之上的计划。

我在这里陪着你。我看到了你的挣扎，我也理解你的挑战。我们可以一起，去做出那些可能的改变，并建立一个我们真心欣赏的生活。