Embracing Parenthood: A Journey of Love, Grief, Challenges, and Growth

Every year on this day since 2014, I'm overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. This is the day my son was born. Since then, I’ve felt a profound mix of grief and achievement. It has been a tough journey for me and my family. My son wasn’t the “perfect child” I had expected. The first couple of years of his life were a whirlwind of confusion and exhaustion for me as a mother. He wasn’t a happy baby. Our first year together was filled with sleepless nights and countless tears.

He didn’t enjoy playing with toys or other children, and he didn’t start walking until he was 18 months old. He always wanted to stay close to me. I tried everything – the “Circle of Security” program, sleep clinics, and sought advice from everyone. Yet, nothing seemed to help. We both struggled so much.

Despite these challenges, there were moments of joy. Photos and videos captured our laughter, achievements, and happy times. But my mind often dwells more on the pain than the joy, much like my own childhood memories. My mother used to call this “being ungrateful.” But why?

To understand my experiences and struggles, I started studying counseling when my older son was 2 years old and I was pregnant with my second child. It took me seven years to complete the course. I remember my course convenor saying, “Kelly, don’t think having a second child will be easier. It’s not guaranteed!” She was right. My second child was completely different, yet equally challenging. Tears and anxiety were constant companions. I felt trapped. I paused my studies for two years, only resuming during the pandemic because it felt like the best option at the time.

Since then, I haven’t looked back. I was never so hungry and curious! This learning experience changed my life. I made peace with my past trauma. I learned about neurodivergence and understood my own attachment styles, my struggles with relationships, and my children’s attachment to me as neurodivergent individuals.

I'm a person who deeply value independence and freedom. Parenthood made me feel like I had lost my identity and freedom. I took on this huge responsibility that I couldn’t and don't want to escape from. Many people ask, “Do you ever regret becoming a parent?” I can’t answer that honestly because life has no “what ifs.” We never know how life might have turned out on a different path. But I know that parenthood has made me a better, stronger, more resilient, and curious person. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my beautiful children and the lessons they’ve taught me.

To all the parents out there, remember that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to seek help and to acknowledge the struggles. But also, cherish the moments of joy, however fleeting they may be. Parenthood is a journey of love, challenges, and incredible growth.

To be continued...